PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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