so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
