Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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