You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
