I wish my penis had an off switch
I need help removing her.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize