I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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