he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
