She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
