Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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