i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
