Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
