I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
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