you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
