someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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