you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
