i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
