Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
