Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
