The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
