Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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