it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
