puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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