i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
this is an emotional support booty call
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
