hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
