Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
