All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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