woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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