I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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