I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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