You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
