I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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