ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
