you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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