um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
