you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
