I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
