like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
