i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Floor bacon is actually really good
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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