Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
