Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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