You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
