You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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