I will die if light touches me.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Randomize
