She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
