Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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