So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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