Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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