remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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