I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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