Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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