Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
