I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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