I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
