At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
