Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
