Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
We're too hungover to prance.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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